Forget New Year’s resolutions, this is the key to a more meaningful year

Photo by Jessica Ruscello on Unsplash

Not to be dramatic, but I’m pretty sure I’ve worked out the secret to life. Well, okay, maybe not the secret to life, but a secret for sure. Now of course this time of year is traditionally when New Year’s resolutions are optimistically tossed around even though research says that 80% of us will have abandoned them by mid-February. (Depressing much?) So, rather than setting yourself up to fail this year, why not tap into this little nugget of wisdom I’ve picked up in my travels.

You see, in my work as a freelance writer, I interview psychologists regularly and in doing so I’ve noticed one very specific theme that runs through almost all of their advice. It’s something a lot of heavy hitters in the self-help world talk about too and something that with the hindsight of forty-plus years of life experience, I can personally say, checks out.

It doesn’t matter what the subject is that I’m covering with psychs, at some point it always comes back to this one same thing and that’s (drum roll please):

getting super clear on your values and aligning your actions as closely as possible with them.

Turns out, the more you do this the better off you’ll be.

The value of values

Look, I’m sorry if that was a bit of an anti-climax. I know it sounds simple, pedestrian even. Like, of course, you’re a person with values and of course you act in accordance with those values at all times, or most times – you’re only human after all.

The trouble is, like waistbands, hairlines and attention spans, values change over time. What you valued as a twenty-year old is likely not going to be the same thing you value as a thirty, forty, fifty (you get the drift) year old.

The other thing is, I’d hazard a guess that most people don’t sit down regularly to review or refine their values, a lot of people probably never even have. And so, values can become this lofty, elusive kind of concept. As in they’re something you know you possess but can’t properly articulate when pressed on the subject. However, I’d argue it’s exactly that kind of ambiguity or lack of clarity around values that trips a lot of us up.

And if you’re still not convinced, studies show that when there’s a mismatch between a person’s values and actions, it can cause stress, internal conflict and a decreased sense of accomplishment. Inversely, studies also indicate that people who live with their values and actions closely aligned experience greater life satisfaction and overall levels of well-being.

Okay, but what does the New Year have to do with it?

With the clean slate and renewed sense of possibility that the New Year brings, I personally feel like it’s the perfect time to check in with your values. It’s something my husband and I try to do together at the start of each year and now that our kids are getting a little older, we also get them involved in reviewing our family values.

Essentially, what this does is set the tone for how we want to move through the year as well as providing an anchor point to come back to as the year plays out. This becomes particularly helpful when tough decisions need to be made. Does it align with our values? Yes? No? The path to follow suddenly becomes much clearer.

As registered psychologist Rachael Walden of The Bondi Psychologist says of values, “If we understand why we're doing something, we can stay connected to that. The why is really important.”

Likewise, understanding your values goes a long way in explaining why certain people, events or situations rub you the wrong way. When you really drill down into it, it’s often conflicting values playing out that’s the real problem.

Where to begin

If you’re interested in starting the year by reviewing your values, here’s some handy tips to get you started.

1. Make a list of your personal values

Again, this probably sounds really obvious but it’s super easy to be unconsciously influenced and or conditioned by family, friends, society, culture, peers and partners. This is why it’s important to think hard about what you personally value and even better, write down between 5–10 things to really crystallise it.

My husband and I do this individually and will then bring our lists together to come up with a top 5 or so for our family values. Some past examples of our family values have included things like:

• Respect (for ourselves, others, our home and planet.)

• Caretaking (look after one another – support, encourage and champion each other always).

• Resilience (everything is ‘figureoutable’ – just keep going.)

• Health and wellbeing (prioritising things like eating well, exercising, getting enough rest/sleep etc.)

• Sense of adventure (be bold, be brave, explore, take a chance.)

If you’re wondering where to start with your values, Mark Manson, author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, has some great examples of personal values on his website, including things like:

• Curiosity

• Kindness

• Economic security

• Community

• Acceptance

• Risk

• Integrity

• Wonder

• Empowering others

• Creativity

Of course this will look different for everyone and it’s worth remembering that there’s no right or wrong here. What is essential though is being really honest with yourself.

As Manson says, “Many of us state values we wish we had as a way to cover up the values we actually have. In this way, aspiration can often become another form of avoidance… We don’t want to admit we have certain values and that we wish we had other values, and it’s this discrepancy between self-perception and reality that usually gets us into all sorts of trouble.”

If you’re really getting stuck, Manson also provides some helpful questions to ask yourself when coming up with your values such as:

• What does a successful and meaningful life look like to you?

• What is it that I want from this life?

2. Identify the gaps

The next thing you want to do to marry up your values and actions is identify the aspects of your current lifestyle where there’s a mismatch between the two. I generally find this starts with the problem areas.

If I personally look back on last year, one of the biggest pain points for myself, my husband and our family as a whole was not having enough downtime. Even though we had it written down as a value we did not put it into action anywhere near enough and it showed up big time, especially in those last few months of the year where we were all running on completely empty tanks.

Again, this is all about getting really honest and facing up to uncomfortable truths about where our current values and actions are. For example, I would never say that I value staring at a tiny screen for several hours each day but my actions (and screen time report) tells a different story.

Not that this is a beat-up exercise by any means, think of it more as a wayfinding tool. As podcaster and author Jay Shetty says, “Sometimes, when we feel shame or guilt for what we’ve done in the past, it’s because those actions no longer reflect our values.”

So try to reflect honestly and openly about where you’re at, how this sits with you today and if it matches up with where you want to be heading in the future. Are there any sticky spots where you feel a little compromised? These can be clues that something’s off, that your values and actions are out of sync.

3. Put your values into action

Once you’re clear on your values it obviously becomes a lot easier to put them into practice. For example, if you value community, you might start putting this into action by joining a local club or attending a local fundraising event.

“Being value guided in your actions is what's going to make it all easier,” comments Rachel. “That every year is great, has hard moments, but you get through them pretty well because it's all value-guided behaviour.”

Plus, once you start doing this you’ll likely begin to notice how much better it feels living life in accordance with your values.

“The more value-guided we are, the more our self-esteem goes up, the lower stress, anxiety, depression, it kind of is the key to it all. If you're very clear about why you're doing what you're doing, it makes everything much easier,” adds Rachel.

You tell ‘em!

No seriously, please tell me, Em, how do you currently feel about your values and actions? Is it something you’ve ever spent much time thinking about or want to begin considering? Or, do you think it’s all a load of baloney? Let me know in the comments below!