What does it mean to ‘sit with something’, anyway?

And what does midlife have to do with it?

Hello! Welcome to the next instalment of Something I’m Sitting With. Now that we’re a couple of posts in, I thought it might be useful to unpack what it actually means to ‘sit with’ something. That is, both from a psychological and personal point of view, while also considering how my approach to this – and perhaps yours too (?) – has changed over time. Additionally, in this edition, I’ve included a few books I’ve literally been sitting with of late, which you can find below.

So, if that all sounds okay to you, let’s get started!  

Photo by Artem Kovalev on Unsplash

In psychological terms

Now, living in an age where therapy speak is rife and we throw around terms like ‘gaslighting’, ‘narcissists’ and ‘boundaries’ like we do weather forecasts, you’ve no doubt heard someone talk about ‘sitting with’ a certain aspect of their life. Just like the aforementioned, this is another term that’s come out of psychology and bled into mainstream culture. Taking it back to its origins, when psychologists ask patients to ‘sit with' something they’re generally talking about thoughts, feelings or physical sensations around a particular subject.

“What we are encouraging our client to do is simply to observe, or notice, what is going on in their window of consciousness while attempting to not react to it,” said the late Bryan Landaas, licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) and founder of Third Wave Psychology. 

When it comes to sitting with our feelings specifically, Noelle McWard, LCSW and founder of Counselling Solutions acknowledges that it’s not always easy, but awareness and curiosity are key.

“[To sit with your feelings] means to first notice them and then to welcome them in, with curiosity, rather than seeking to avoid, repress, or distract from them… To be curious means to wonder why they are there, and what message they may have for you. It also means sitting in the discomfort that may accompany your feelings, without the need to avoid the uneasiness.”

The benefit of sitting with your feelings, according to McWard, is the personal growth opportunities it presents. “You gain the opportunity to learn and grow from them and to make changes in your life – big or small – that will be aligned with your authentic self and greatest self-interest.”

Personal perspective

When I was younger, I was absolutely the type of person who found sitting with their feelings, especially the uncomfortable kind, nothing short of torturous. It felt much easier/better/safer to deny/avoid/escape them rather than address them. Looking back, I can see this was probably related to my general cluelessness around mental and emotional health at the time. Considering we’re talking twenty plus years ago – before we were all au fait with triggers, trauma and toxic traits – there’s nothing overly surprising about this. 

Now that I’m in my forties though, sitting with the good, bad and ugly of life doesn’t make me want to run away and hide in a cave for 100 years the way it used to. Maybe it’s the extra life experience, or maybe it’s all the therapy – no doubt Oprah had something to do with it too. Whatever the case, it’s always nice to know you’ve evolved in some capacity. 

Not that it necessarily comes naturally to me, still. Sometimes, I have to force myself to sit with some things just to get to the other side of them. Other times, I’m leaning so far in, I’d give Sheryl Sandberg a good run for her money. Surely there’s also an argument to be made for spending too much time contemplating our feelings, which after a certain point is often counterproductive. 

I guess the main difference now, in midlife, is that I feel better equipped to handle whatever ‘it’ is. I’m also old enough to know that the thing you want to run away from most, is likely the thing that needs to be dealt with most. It’s also usually the thing that’s trying to teach you something important because that’s how the universe speaks to us, right O? 

I also find that being more open and less judgemental about what you’re feeling, or what those around you are feeling, means you get to the heart of the matter faster too. And as Elizabeth Gilbert says of the truth, “Since that’s where you’re gonna end up anyway, you might as well just start there.” I’m not sure of many other ways to get to your (dare I say it) ‘most authentic life’ without coming face-to-face with the truth at some point.

Substack specific

When it comes to what I’m hoping to achieve with this newsletter, I’m taking a similar view to the above but applying it more broadly. I’m naturally curious, especially about all things health, wellness, personal growth, reading, writing and Jarlsberg cheese (but that’s a story for another time) related. 

So, when I’m talking about ‘sitting with something’ here on Substack, it’s going to mean following my curiosity and opening myself up – to a mindset or a health approach, wellbeing concept, writing advice, book or the like – without judgement or expectation. It’s going to mean getting really still with something, both mentally and physically (I’m not a fan of reading on the run after all), so I can better understand how and why I connect with it, or not. 

And then it’s going to mean reporting back and hopefully finding out how you feel about ‘it’ too. Please know I get a real kick out of discovering what resonates with those around me, both online and offline – it’s like gathering little clues about what makes us all tick. Or maybe it’s a clue that I need to get a hobby… but onto the books!

Book I’ve been sitting with

Sticking with the midlife theme, below are three beautifully written books I’ve recently read about midlife awakenings. Note that I use the term ‘awakening’ rather than the usual ‘midlife crisis’ because as Dr. Peggy Malone says: “A crisis can be seen, in most cases as a negative. An awakening is just that…. waking up to something new and exciting in the second half.” I don’t know about you, but I like the sound of that much better.

The Heart is a Star by Megan Rogers

“All the women in me are tired. The wife, the mother, and the daughter, the doctor, the lover, and the friend; the list goes on. We are tired. All those versions of me have been made to please others…” 

Anaesthetist and mother of two, Layla isn’t in a good place. Her marriage is falling apart, she’s having an affair and she’s been forced into unpaid leave after a serious incident at work. Add to that, an unstable, demanding mother and it’s easy to see why she feels pulled in a million different directions. Poetic and evocative, this book is about facing up to our true selves by facing up to the past – harrowing as that may be. It explores family secrets and their long-lasting impacts, along with some very heavy subjects that – trigger warning – may not be for everyone.

Lioness by Emily Perkins

“Judith had her own anger – anyone could see it, if you knew how to look. I recognised it everywhere now, on the streets – each woman like a storm in a body, a weather system on a leash.”

From the outside, Therese Thorne seems to living ‘the life’. She has a successful homewares business and has been happily married to her much older husband and successful property developer, Trevor, for several decades. But when Trevor’s latest development faces potential charges of corruption, things start unravelling fast for Therese as she begins questioning her privileged life. At the same time, she becomes fascinated by her downstairs neighbour, Claire, and her blatant rejection of societal conventions and expectations. All of which leads Therese to further question her own authenticity. Written with humour, wit and a whole lot of vim, Lioness explores wealth, agency, feminism, identity and – my personal favourite aspect of this book – unbridled female rage. 

Girl in a Pink Dress by Kylie Needham

“But there was something else besides a child, it struck me in that moment, that most of the female painters I could think of had gone without. A different sort of demand on their time, a restriction on their freedom to paint, which they had consciously rejected or avoided: a husband.”

This is an elegantly written, restrained book that explores the relationship between artists and muse and what happens when this dynamic shifts. Alternating between two timelines, past and present, it follows Frances’s journey from art school student turned muse to her older teacher/established artist, Clem, through to fully fledged artist in her own right. It considers the impact of motherhood on creative pursuits for women and how this differs for men. At less than 200 pages, it’s a short, but masterful examination of a woman stepping out of the shadows and into her own power, spurred on (of course) by a little bit of female fury.

How does ‘sitting with’ something, sit with you?

Do you love it? Do you hate it? Do you think it’s a bunch of psychobabble nonsense? Or, do you have a different take on it entirely? Plus, if there’s any related books, quotes, memes you’ve been sitting with and you’d like to share, please do. I’d love to get your thoughts. Let me know in the comments below! xx